I miss you.
It’s been a while, I know, but things have been rough since you passed. Bruce is...I don’t know. He’s not any more okay than I am, I know that much. But we’re still not close. I know you wanted us to be, but we have just never managed to do it. I still make sure he’s eating. I cook him food every once in a while, check in with him. We’re not perfect or anything, but what else is new? That’s the only time I really see him. I take him food, check on him, but that’s about it. It’s not something that happens all the time.
I bought a food truck, with the life insurance money. I think you’d be proud of me. You always said I was good with more than just numbers, and it turned out to be true. My roommate Dinah and I run it together. She’s the creative genius who creates the burgers and I make sure she doesn’t go too crazy. I manage the books, of course, but I get to cook and talk to people and it’s good for me. I like working for myself, I like the business in general.
It’s a vegan truck, of course. We do all sorts of completely vegan burgers, we make everything ourselves. We’re not the most popular truck or anything, but that was never a surprise. But we’ve made some good friends with the other food truck owners in town and we all help each other out. It’s a great group of people I know I can count on in a pinch.
DInah is crazy, Mom, I think you’d love her though. She brings out a good side of me. I know I’m too fussy and controlled, but she’ll push (gently) me out of my comfort zone. I’ve tried some things I’d never seriously consider because of her. She’s a riot. And no, before you ask, we’re not together like that. We’re roommates and best friends and business partners, but nothing more. Really. I jokingly call her my platonic wife, because we really do share everything, we operate like a little family, but as pretty as she is, I’ve never felt anything like that for her.
Or anyone, for that matter. Not that I’m not open to it, but I’m not looking, either. I know you’d want me to be happy, but the truck takes up most of my time right now. And maybe I’m just not ready. The right girl will come along some day. There have been people to flirt with, here and there, so it’s not like there’s just nothing at all, but nothing serious and everyone knows I’m a serious sort of person. I look for it, and maybe I need to relax a little, but I just don’t want to. I want what you and Dad had. I want real, forever love. Maybe I’m just looking too hard for someone to fix me, because, beyond anything else, I’m just lonely. I have good friends and a good life, but I also have this hole in my life and I’m not sure how to fix it. If you were here, maybe you’d have the answer, but then again, if you were here, maybe I wouldn’t feel so alone.
I’m in therapy because of all of this. I don’t know how I let it get this bad, but I did. I struggled for a long time with serious depression without ever saying anything. I don’t know why I did that, either. Just like I don’t know why I ended up in the hospital. I didn’t mean to take too many sleeping pills. No one believes that, but it wasn’t a conscious thought. No one believes that, and maybe they have a good reason to, but I wasn’t trying to die. Thank god for Dinah finding me and not freaking out so badly that she couldn’t get help. I owe her everything. Not just my life, my sanity. I don’t think I’d be anywhere near as stable with anything if it wasn’t for her. Maybe I would have been trying to die on purpose if it wasn’t for her, I don’t know.
What I do know is I still needed you, and you weren’t there. If I’ve learned anything about myself, it’s that I need my people and you were my person for a long time. Losing you and dad wrecked my world in every possible way and I’m still recovering. It broke me, you broke me when you died and I almost joined you because of it. My therapist thinks talking to you about it might help, so here I am. I have no idea if I made it any better, though, I guess I’ll see. This won’t bring you back, and that’s the worst part about everything. Literally everything I’ve accomplished, I’ve wanted to see your reaction to and you’re just not here to see it. It always hurts. I don’t think it will ever really stop. I’d settle for numb, really. If it just didn’t sting so much that I can’t show you my truck and everything we can do with it. Maybe if I was more numb to it, I could put myself out there and find someone without hurting because they’ll never get to meet you. I could have a family and not be heartbroken that they’ll never meet their grandparents. If that ever goes away, I’ll be the first to let you know, but so far, it feels barely healed. I’m raw on the inside, even when I’m having fun on the outside, and I wish you could fix this. That’s all I really want. I want to be fixed. My therapist says I just have to fix myself. She's probably right.
I should really get back to reality now. Real life things need to happen. Books need to be balanced, burgers have to flipped.
I’ll write again soon.
Tell Dad I love him, too.
Love Forever and Ever,