I did not show a lot of abnormality in the beginning because I showed exceptionality. I spoke in complete sentences at 13 months, I started reading and writing at an early age and academically, I really shined. My biggest problems were social.
I remember going to first grade and faces just being a blur, and my anxiety level being at a fever pitch, and at lunch time not knowing how to approach anyone and see who wanted to eat lunch with me. So I would go to my teacher and I would ask how to find someone to eat lunch with and she would just sit me somewhere. Day after day, I would ask her, “How can I get along with people? How can I make friends? How do I do this?” And she would always end up making suggestions that never seemed to work. Eventually I gave up and I would go to the swing set and swing all through the recess and all through lunch. And I had this fear that one day my teacher would tell me that people were hogging the swings and I wouldn’t be able to swing. Because if I couldn’t swing, I’d go and play in the dirt and by playing in the dirt, I would 1) get in trouble and 2) I’d get made fun of. That is where my nickname “Worm” came about. It’s weird how something that was so uncomfortable is something that I need to hear every day.
I was always clumsy and awkward. I struggled dressing myself in the morning, which would always frustrate my parents and they’d always ask me, “You’re such a smart girl, why can’t you do this simple thing?” But I just couldn’t do some very basic things. I couldn’t kick a ball, I could barely do anything in P.E. so I gave up and tried everything to get out of activities. Almost every day, I would beg to be sent to the library instead of P.E. Because of this, my parents put me in boxing classes to increase my coordination and motor skills. Day after day, I would cry and cry about going because it scared me. In those early years, I dreaded doing anything that had to do with my body. I felt really alone through it all.
Growing up was a very lonely experience because I wanted friends so badly, and I wanted reassurance because I was in such a confusing world where I was being bombarded by sensory and emotional stimuli. I needed help but I didn’t know how to get it. I still don’t.
When I got to middle school there was all this pressure to look a certain way, act a certain way, be a certain way. All the girls would want to talk about clothes, makeup and boys and then there was me who still enjoyed playing with dirt and ripping my doll’s hair out. Everything went over my head and it ended up very frustrating and made me feel alienated.
High school was no easier. I stuck to myself, ate lunch by myself and I adjusted. At summer camps, I was always dubbed “Houdini” because I would just wander off and disappear. This wasn’t because I didn’t want to be involved, it was because I couldn’t figure out where the activity was going on or I was scared.
I think my biggest learning curve was when my mother cheated on my dad. It was really hard for me to grasp what was going on and I had a handful of meltdowns but I also grew up. I began to understand the importance of being there for someone and not being as selfish. I stood by my father and clung to him throughout the entire proceedings, which probably aided my hatred towards my mother.
Now that I don't really have a mother, I think a lot of things have shifted. I am a little more social and aware of social cues. Although, shy and embarrassed 99.9% of the time, I am warming up towards the people that have been in my life a long period of time and I'm really proud of myself for that.
• Much like her father, Worm is rather reserved and keeps to herself. She's easily embarrassed and has an awkward way about her. If there is an opportunity to make a situation uncomfortable, Worm unknowingly takes it. If anything gets too hard for her, she shuts down, walks away and ignores the issue.
• She's a clumsy oaf, almost always dropping or running into something. She's up and down and all around. If you think you know her, you don't. Her emotions are inconsistent and she's always surprising the people that know her best.
• The only thing she has really stuck to is boxing. She really struggled with it as a child but as an adult, she thrives in it. If you can't find her, she's normally hitting something with her hands. (:
• Perhaps she was dropped on her head as a baby too many times but it's no secret that Worm is weird. She processes things very differently to a normal person. She doesn't bounce back quickly, nor does she accept change well.
• Worm struggles to really grasp emotions. If something goes wrong, she has a meltdown. Whether that be excusing herself or by throwing a tantrum. There is really no way to calm her down throughout these "episodes" and people normally hold her until she calms down. Sometimes her episodes last a few minutes and other times they last for hours.
• She struggles maintaining friendships and floats around her school, desperate to find someone to really just talk to her. She's not extremely talkative and is rather shy, but she never really stops trying to make friends even though people think she's weird and often aren't interested.
• One of her downfalls is that she's overly trusting, nor can she read what's really behind peoples' motives. Because of this, she's been hurt a lot and is another reason why she still lives at home. She depends a lot on her father.
Worm is outgoing, enthusiastic and excitable. She is a "doer" and has fought very hard to get to where she is. She is a blunt, straight-forward enthusiast. She is willing to plunge right into things and get her hands dirty. She lives in the here-and-now, and places little importance on introspections and theories. She is quick to decide what should be done, then executes the action, and moves on to the next thing.
When Worm has decided that something needs to be done, then her "do it and get on with it" attitude takes over. However, she tends to have strong belief in what's right and what's wrong, and will doggedly stick to her firmly placed principles. She is big on her own integrity and will not under any circumstance do something that she feels is wrong. When she falls into one of her dazes, her whole guilt conscience is completely void from her mind.
Worm is very good at story telling and improvising. She typically makes things up as she goes along, rather than following a plan. She loves to have fun, and she is pretty fun to be around. But don't let that fool you, she can be very hurtful to others without being aware of it, as she generally does not know and may not care about the effect her words may or may not have on others. It's not that she doesn't care about people, it's just that her decision-making process does not involve taking people's feelings into account.
Overall, Worm is a fun-loving, spontaneous risk-taker with an excellent ability to quickly improvise an innovative solution to a problem. She can be enthusiastic and fun to be with, and she's a great motivator or completely the opposite. She is rather boyish and is rather closed off in some social gatherings, or when she is nervous or unsure about a situation.
She does struggle with bipolar tendencies so people don't see her true personality at times because it's affected by her disorder, but she tries to push through it. It's quite obvious when she doesn't take her medicine.